With each passing day, I try to prepare for the beginning of the “new” normal. I know that the pandemic will end one day soon. However, I am not ready for that time. I have had an interesting experience during the past year because my life has remained in the same place. I feel behind my peers and displaced in my life plans. I feel I should be farther along in life and more successful. The toughest year of my life was 2019. I struggled in every area and I did not know if I would make it. Mentally, I was weak and I needed time off from school to focus on my mental health. It was nice to have a break during 2020 to reset and refresh my mind.
I comfort in failure
I comfort in failure because I am addicted to the feeling of failure. I prepare myself for failure because it is easier to accept another failure than to start a new journey or the experience of success. I stayed in a similar mindset.
During the first year of the pandemic I had no job for 10 months. I was fortunate to be given back pay for 4 months. Then, I went 8 months with no pay. I worked odd jobs and sold second hand to make money. I had to pay loans during 2020 that were not covered by forbearance and I had trouble making money. I did not file for unemployment because I was still an on file employee at my job.
After 10 months of trying to find another job I was hired by a non profit. I had my new job for a month before a returned back to my church job. I was happy to get the new job because I would have struggled to make my loan payment for that month.
Sometimes, I wish I just settled and got a practical degree to earn money. I would not be happy like now but I would at least have money. I no longer have an interest in a career as a classical singer. I want to try being a contemporary artist before I let go of having a music career. It was hard to find a full time job with my music degree and I found it hard to keep applying knowing I would not qualify. I currently have two part time jobs with no benefits. My non profit job allows me to have a 403b account and that is the only “benefit” of that job. I dream to have my own business(es). I manifest being a business owner and being able to choose my own health care plan with all the benefits I need.
❥❀mental health status ❀❥
I hope that one day in the near future I can afford professional health care. I have been trying my best for years to stay positive, love myself, and practice self care. It is not working for my mental problems. I fear it is worse than I thought. I realized I have unresolved childhood trauma along with my recent adult trauma.
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